| I'm done with this blog. But I feel that it deserves a proper burial. It is a monument to an incredibly important stage of my existence, and during the times when I updated regularly and gave a clear account of current events, it acted as a chronicling of my personal history. The entirety of this blog represents so much that I've carried with me for so long, a lifetime of bitterness and shame that has been added to constantly like links on a chain, which bound me to the enormous boulder of despair, always holding me back and impeding me. And now, quite suddenly, I am free of it. Cured, as I've always wanted to be. Okay, not exactly. There is still a lot of work to do, and it will take time. But I'm in the right direction, and now that the frayed and tangled knot of my psyche has been untangled, I feel that I am now free to seek a true and proper healing. Those who wish it are free to read this blog, in its entirety if you have the time and inclination (which probably means you're bored out of your damn mind). In it, you will know my happiness and sorrow, and the despair that afflicted me, and the madness that always clouded my vision. Understand that all of this is still who I am and always will be. That will never change. I will always be the same person. But now I know that I am free, at any given moment, to make a different decision than I usually would have. I have the liberty now to choose a different path. So yes, read my poetry, my perversion, my whimsical nonsense. Read my sexist rants and my muddled accounts of daily events. Read all about my misguided philosophy, and witness the timeline of my religious evolution. All of it is my memory and my history, and always will be. I carry it with me, but no longer do I drag it behind me. Once it was a boulder joined to me by chains. Now, they are all just little balloons, floating behind me on strings. Always important, always rediculous, and always with a lesson to learn. So, I'm moving on. I have a new chance at life and, incidentally, a new chance at love. She and I just spent a few hours on the phone. Yeah, I know, it's mushy and retarded. Whatever. But I'll be damned if it isn't fun. So, maybe it'll blossom into a long and beautiful romance, full of trials and hurdles but always held strong with friendship and love. Or, maybe she'll dissappear tomorrow and I'll never ever hear from her again. Maybe we'll realize after a few days that we're better off just being friends, or maybe we'll just have lots and lots of crazy monkey sex. Either way, I know it will be for the best. I trust in the divinity within myself to lead me along the right path. I trust in my godhood, and seek the beauty of her goddesshood. No worries, no expectations, and no regrets. There, that's your fucking motto to live by. Bring on the rain, and may the ghosts of Xanga-users past forever be welcomed in this hallowed space. Esellen Ebnaru, Aethelend Dane |
